Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Divine Order: I always wished I had one of those names that gets tangled and lost in your tongue, you know, the type of name that conjures up images of eccentric parents that read books. Folks tell me my ma was pretty eccentric when she walked this earth plane, but she named me Ashley...and all those that matter refer to me as Ash. Yeah, she must've knew she was on her way out this joint because she named me perfectly. - Ashes to ashes, dust to dust (Everything RETURNS to what it must)

When I was younger, there were nights when I would go to sleep angry with my mother that raised me. To express my anger I would push all of the baby dolls that she purchased me to the bottom of my bed and I would cry myself to sleep wondering how life would have been if my birth mother stuck around a little longer to raise me. As I got older, those baby dolls morphed into people and I've been pushing and pushing ever since.

Lately, my days have been filled with tears. Every five minutes I find myself rising into tears for what appears to be no reason at all. Then, all of a sudden the emotions come, and the memories: grief, sexual trauma, fear, abuse, sadness, insecurities, guilt, anger. They're sprinting for dear life and ferociously kicking at the door of my heart and my womb. They scream as if they have been traumatized "we want out, we're ready to be released, something is growing inside you that says that 'we have no business here anymore' so please release us and let us the fuck out!" Wait...wait, it's me? Holding on to you? Really?

A few months ago I woke up sleeping on my ma's couch, unemployed with 19 cent in my bank account. I tried to trick myself into thinking that my sadness and rush of emotions stemmed from living back home with mama, being unemployed and having only 19 cent in my account. But like the saying goes, what's usually on the surface, usually ain't the truth at all. Through all of this my spirit is trying to get my attention, it's telling me "chile, you need to sit your tail down and heal, ain't nothing wrong with healing, a job ain't going nowhere." You don't have a job because it's a distraction from your healing, you have tremendous work to do within this world, however, before you can embark on that work you must truly, truly heal yourself or you ain't gon' be good to nobody. In the spiritual realm, all of these lay-offs have nothing to do with the state of the economy, but everything to do with the state of your spirit. All of those emotions that are coming to you as you sit in that house unemployed, bored and creatively uninspired, that right there, those emotions, those emotions are your healing. You only have 19 cents within your bank account so "you can't go out to buy things to cover up what's really inside." You are back at home sleeping on your mama's couch as a reminder. We want you to remember all of those emotions and painful memories that you have successfully hidden within your heart and your womb. That couch, that home, that food, that smell, those people, those walls, they are all simply tools to encourage you to remember and to bring all of those memories to the surface. Phone calls, friends and bosoms to cry on are few and practically nonexistent, because we want you to go deeply within YOURSELF to find and relearn YOUR essence. It's okay, honor your emotions and nurse your essence back to life.

We are all walking around painting happy faces on the sky's belly. Everyone is rejoicing "I'm blessed, I have a job." We are rushing to work, we are eating food, playing music, going to the movies, clubbing, painting, smoking cigarettes, hooping, shopping, drinking, exercising, arguing, watching television, engaging in low vibration romances and friendships all as a means to distract us from going within and surrendering to our healing. How dare YOU CHOOSE to reincarnate into this earth plane and cheat your self out of your healing? How dare you? How dare I resist this divine experience?

Everyone appears to be emotionally unavailable and spiritually shot. I go to my elders for an ear and a bosom to cry on and my actions are intercepted by a closed and decrepit heart chakra. 40, 60, 80 years old with emotions from child-hood running amuck within their heart (this ain't gonna be me). They tell us to stop crying and to be thankful because there's so many people that have it worst off. Does this mean that we are supposed to dismiss our emotions and our healing simply because someone else has experienced something much more emotionally traumatizing than we have? Since when did emotional trauma become a race or a prize? They tell us to go to school, get good jobs, make lots of money, get married and stay married. They tell us that life is hard. I went to my mother the other day and she expressed "I don't know what you kids be thinking, but it's hard out here, I've been struggling all of my life." Life is not hard. It is only hard because we have yet to master ourselves. How are we going to master life, that which exist outside of us, when we have yet to master ourselves?

Our spirits have been broken and we refuse to acknowledge the damage. We are so tied to the illusion of this life, that we think that our spirits are walking when they are really rolling around in rusted wheel chairs. When a person is in a car accident and breaks his right leg, he is rushed to the hospital, surgery is performed on the leg, medication is given, the person is placed out of work for two months, told to get plenty of rest and to go to physical therapy to heal and to relearn how to walk on his leg that was broken. Why don't we provide the same healing and care for our spirits when they are broken? We attend physical therapy when our leg has been broken, but where do we go and what do we do when our spirits have been broken? How do we return to and relearn our essence? Positive words and self-help books will only get you so far. We must admit that we have lost our way and have the courage to go within.

I finally admitted to myself that I am not alright and that is okay. My spirit has been walking with a few broken limbs and it is finally ready to rest and to heal. I am angry. I am sad. I'm pissed that my mother left me here alone. I wish my mother was here. I carry the burden of my mom's death, I feel guilty for taking away my grandmother's child, I wonder if my grandmother and aunt secretly resent me for killing their daughter, I feel like I was birthed into this world as a burden, I have premonitions of death at 28, deep down I have a fear of having children, I have a fear of getting close to people because I always feel like a burden or that I am going to hurt them, I am overly-sensitive to the feelings of others, so I keep most people at a distance. I am not okay and that is okay, I'm going in...to remove the junk and to find my essence because this ain't me. For seeds must grow in the dark in order to see the light.

"Angelic being cast to this earth, it's time for rebirth, turn to be healed" Lauryn Hill

Peace and thanks for reading.