From Randy Gage:
Well as we segue into another New Year, it's always a good idea to
reflect back on the year that just ended, and discern the lessons
we have learned. And since many of you have alcohol and drug
issues and can't remember what happened last week, I thought I'd be
helpful and provide you with a recap.
On January 1st, the Czech Republic took over the presidency of the
European Union from France. This set American geography teachers
in a frantic scramble to teach their students where Europe was
located.
Of course January started here in the States with tremendous
CHANGE, as we inaugurated President Barack Obama to fulfill his
mandate of new ideas and change from the past.
To ensure the ideas were new and different, he assembled a cabinet
of people with new ideas never seen in Washington before. These
included Attorney General Eric Holder (from the Clinton
administration), Secretaries Shaun Donovan (from the Clinton
administration), Hilda Solis (who has served in congress for the
last nine years), former Congressman Ray LaHood, Robert Gates (from
the Bush & Reagan administrations), and Timothy Geithner (who
worked in three previous administrations). Also helping in the
orgy of new ideas were fresh Washington faces Joe Biden, Nancy
Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.
In February this group of original thinkers immediately went to
work on brand new concepts that no one had ever thought of before,
such as taxing productive workers more, socialized health care, and
printing billions of extra dollars to devalue the currency in an
effort to stimulate the economy. This revolutionary new stimulus
plan was best described by economists as "nine wolves and a sheep,
voting on what to have for dinner. "
In March the President of Madagascar, Marc Ravalomanana, is
overthrown in a coup d'état, following a month of rallies in
Antananarivo. The United Nations calls an emergency session to try
and discover where Madagascar is.
Also in March, football player Donte Stallworth kills a pedestrian
while driving drunk. In a plea bargain deal, he receives
community service and 30 days in jail. Later in the year, Plaxico
Burress is sentenced to two years in prison for accidentally
shooting himself in the leg. The lesson we learn is, ah, well, ah,
I'm not exactly sure what lesson we learned from this.
In April, the big story is the swine flu. The disease is deemed a
global pandemic since it kills almost as many people as the normal
winter flu does, and newspaper sales are down. Thousands of
travelers don surgical masks to travel on planes. (In related
news, millions of people have died from AIDS and no one will wear a
condom.)
In May, Wayne Allwine died. Now if the name isn't familiar, Wayne
was the voice of Mickey Mouse. He is survived by his wife Russi
Taylor, who is the current voice of Minnie Mouse. (Really.) Which
means maybe perhaps those cartoons were not fiction after all?
Also in May, the Sri Lankan Civil War ends after more than a
quarter-century of fighting, former President of South Korea Roh
Moo-hyun, under investigation for alleged bribery commits suicide,
and North Korea announces that it has conducted a second successful
nuclear test. But the big news of course, is Adam Lambert coming
in runner up on American Idol.
In June, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is reelected as the president of Iran.
There are murmurs of election discrepancies, as deceased Chicago
boss Richard Daley delivers 21 electoral votes from Illinois. Ron
Paul pulls 7%.
On June 25, the Internet breaks down; overloaded by the death of
pop icon Michael Jackson.
On July 1st, Sweden assumed the presidency of the European Union.
American geography teachers scramble to teach their students what
country Sweden is located in.
Also this month, the US government introduces a "cash for clunkers"
program to get older gas guzzling auto off the road. As a
patriotic American I am participating in the program zealously. If
you send me your old Vipers, Lamborghini's and Ferrari's, I will
replace them with Toyota hybrids.
Also in July, Sarah Palin announces she will be stepping down as
governor of Alaska to concentrate on her marriage infidelities, out
of wedlock pregnant daughter, and family values agenda.
In a sign of just how desperate the Republicans are, many party
stalwarts actually suggest she is a viable future presidential
candidate. Really. Stock in NBC goes up in anticipation of
higher ratings for Saturday Night Live. In related news, Marge
Simpson's layout in Playboy generates more interest than Levi
Johnson's spread in Playgirl.
In August, I was quite busy sending out tweets on my Twitter
account, so I'm not sure if anything actually happened that month.
September marked the end of several more notable lives. One was
Norman Borlaug who was an agronomist, humanitarian and Nobel
Laureate. Borlaug introduced high-yield, disease resistant wheat to
avoid famines in Mexico, Pakistan and India and was responsible for
improving food production in Africa and Asia. He single-handedly
saved billions, yes that is billions with a 'B,' of people from
starvation. If you missed the write up about him, that's because
the media was fixated on the demise of more important people like
David Carradine, Bea Arthur and Farrah Fawcett.
And speaking of celebrity deaths, in September Patrick Swayze
actually did go to that big pottery wheel in the sky. He was
remembered in a beautiful memorial service until it was interrupted
by Kanye West, who proclaimed, "I'm a gonna let you finish and all,
but Michael Jackson had a better funeral."
Then in October, U.S. President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.
In related news, Hannibal Lecter wins for best weight loss recipes
and "Snakes on a Plane" takes the Academy Award for Best Picture.
In November the "boys of summer" proved that baseball owners are
the greediest in sports, as the World Series is played in snow,
sleet, and sub-zero temperatures. The Series is won by the NY
Yankees. We learn that you can't buy a championship, but a $220
million payroll certainly can't hurt.
In December a global warming conference is held in Copenhagen to
solve our climate issues. Attendees arrive via 140 private jets and
use more than 2,000 limos during the event.
Over the Christmas holiday a terrorist attempts to blow up a plane
bound for Detroit. The TSA jumps into action, placing new rules in
effect that restrict people going to the bathroom or accessing
luggage for the last hour of flights. All future terrorists give
up any other attacks because of the inconvenience.
But of course the big news of the year isn't the wars, the economic
crisis, or any of the above -- but the Tiger Woods situation.
Once again Tiger demonstrates why he's a top achiever, showing that
making a billion dollars, being at the top of your sport, and
having a beautiful, loving wife and children is no excuse to get
complacent and settle.
Unfortunately for him, the public perception of his striving for
more leads to the loss of many of his sponsorship and endorsement
deals. Most notable is the cancellation of his namesake energy
drink from Gatorade after the company decides the tagline, "Tiger
juice - is it in you?" is problematic.
The lesson we learned from all this was the difference between
Tiger and Santa: Namely that Santa stopped after three "Ho's."
That's it, I'm out of material. Actually, all kidding aside, 2009
was my best year ever and I hope yours as well. It's been
wonderful sharing it all with you.
The new economy presents many challenges, but also has equivalent
opportunities. There has never been a more exciting time to be
alive, and 2010 has the promise of another breakthrough year.
Thanks for connecting with me through these Rants, the blog,
Twitter (
http://twitter.com/Randy_Gage ) Facebook
(
http://www.facebook.com/randygage ) and YouTube
(
http://www.youtube.com/randygage )
I love being on this journey of growth, adventure and prosperity
with all of you. Best wishes for an amazing New Year, and New You!
-RG
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